Pretending

Sometimes, I am good at pretending.

I can get up early. Get ready. Do my make up and hair. Leave the house at a reasonable time.

Have lunch with a friend. Go see my grandmother. Attend a baseball game.

Smile. Laugh. Function.

I am so good at pretending, that, sometimes, I forget I'm pretending.

Fake it til you make it.

It's what my dad preaches. If you can't, pretend you can until the pretending become reality.

But sometimes.....

What starts as a good day becomes silently sobs in the corner of my room.

What starts as a good day becomes ignoring phone calls, texts, friends and family.

What starts as a good day becomes insomnia, worried thoughts, reckless behaviors.

What starts as a good day ends in a way that you are reminded just how bad at pretending you are.

You start the day smiling, happy, ready to take on the world - only to end the day wrapped in a blanket of sorrow you cannot escape.

So yes, fake it til you make it, but remember, you can only pretend for so long.....

age 25. 1.6