Silly Boy
I want to write a cute and quirky preview for this letter, but I can't seem to find the right words....
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Silly Boy,
You may not want to know this, but I have loved you before. Elementary school was too young, but I knew it in my heart. We met as often as we could at the pool where you would charm my little pants off. You always made me laugh, smile, and feel as if I was special.
You’ve always been good at that. I don’t know if it is because you are naturally charismatic, if you just innately know how to make me happy, or if I’m just a sucker for a good smile.
I remember the last time we talked. It was one of the last days of summer, my family was leaving for vacation later that day but I demanded they allowed me to come and see you before we left. The smile on your face felt as if it was only for me. You were happy to see me, only me, and that messed with my little ten-year-old heart.
On my way to see you I ran into the girl that would help me ruin our friendship.
Katie Marie was my best female friend back then. She knew everything about me, including how much you meant to me. We had each other’s back, at least we usually did. That day though, she had one thing on her mind – to date you. She called me over during one of the lifeguard breaks to tell me how cute you were (duh) and how, since I was your friend, I should tell you to date her.
You probably don’t remember this, but I do. Vividly. It was the moment that changed my future.
I had two options, help out my girl Katie, or tell her to shove it and stick with you. I chose wrong.
The look on your face when I told you to date Katie still haunts me twelve years later. How your special smile slowly slipped off your face, replaced with a grimace then a carefully stoic face. Watching the light in your eyes fade, how you went from looking at me, seeing everything to looking through me, seeing. Every time Fergie sings Big Girls Don't Cry, I am teleported back to that day. The day I convinced you to leave me.
You told me I was full of shit, “Why would I date her, Reese? I don’t like her.” I see now you were trying to tell me something but I couldn’t listen. I told you how great she was, how happy you would be with her. “It will be great,” I said, “if you date Katie we can still be friends.” By then you had checked out. You couldn’t argue with a brick wall. I had won a fight I hadn’t really wanted to win. I watched you walk away from me, towards her.
That was the last day you talked to me. The last time you shared that smile with me. The last time you made me laugh. The last time you said my name.
Twelve years later, you popped back into my life. My soul sang with happiness when you came over last night. The moment you walked though my door, I felt peace. We stayed up all night talking, reminiscing, and sharing things I know I have not told anyone. You complimented me and I laughed them off, uncomfortable with your full attention on me. I walked you home for an excuse to be with you longer. You then walked me home like the gentleman you were raised to be.
You asked for a hug, my heart sang yes but my head said no.
You asked for a kiss, my heart sang yes, but my head said no.
You went home, promised to call. My heart said don’t let him go, but my head said what can we do?
Now there’s only radio silence.
I know I deserve this treatment; I was a prick twelve years ago. Broke both of our ten-year-old hearts. You started dating around after that summer, too busy to hang out with me. I slowly turned into myself, too afraid of rejection again after that summer. I moved schools, you forgot about me.
I never meant for this to be our reality. Twelve years ago, I wanted you to fight for me. To tell me Katie was not for you, that you needed me. That nobody would/could/should hold a candle to me. But we were ten-years-old. We didn’t know any better.
Now you haven’t called, texted, or made any sort of contact after our time together. I don’t know what to do; I just know I can’t quit you.
Never been able to quit you, Silly Boy. Won’t be able to stop now.
Yours Always,
ReeseLynn
age 22. 2.9.2018
